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Effective Communication

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We recently wrapped up our first ever Real Talk With Coupled With Christ event and it was such a success! We focused on the theme of effective communication and we are not exaggerating when we say lives were literally changed for the better! It was definitely one of those "you had to be there to get the full experience" type events, but because we had such an amazing response from the couples that attended, we wanted to share a bit about what was covered during our time together. After months of research and experiences, we discovered that the topic of communication is so vast and diverse! So to be considerate of your time, we will only touch on a few main points and tips in this blog.


What is effective communication?

Effective communication is the process of exchanging ideas, thoughts, opinions, knowledge, and data so that the message is understood with clarity and purpose.

Effective communication means that you that your ideas and concepts are being heard, understood, and people are acting upon them. Information is sent from the sender to the receiver and the receiver receives the information. Because we are called to emulate Christ in all areas of our lives, including our marriages, it is important to communicate with our spouses in a way that reflects Christ’s love, patience, and understanding. The exchange of ideas and information is just one aspect of effective communication. Understanding the motivations and feelings that underlie the information is also important through active listening.


What is active listening?

Active listening is a form of communication. It involves giving your full attention to your spouse when they are speaking, avoiding distractions, and providing feedback to show that you understand what they are saying. Here are some examples that show how to actively listen to your spouse:

  • Stop “multi-tasking” and be 100% present.

  • Put your phone down.

  • Put the kids to bed.

  • Turn the tv and music off.

  • Refrain from interrupting and allow your spouse to complete their thoughts.

  • Listen to actually understand, not just to respond to what you think you are hearing or going to hear.

 

† Proverbs 18:2 (NIV) ~ Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.


Active listening involves being present with the person you’re listening to, and because we are spiritual beings in addition to being human beings, we should be in tune and present with God and listening to His voice to hear what He wants for your spouse, rather than what you think is the best advice.


Types of communication

There are many types of communication but for the sake of time, we will talk about three: Verbal, Non-verbal, and Written.


Verbal communication is expressing thoughts, ideas, and information through spoken words. Verbal communication encompasses the ability to articulate messages clearly, concisely, and effectively to others. It is not limited to just the words spoken, but also includes tone of voice, pitch, volume, and pace of speech. All of these components contribute to conveying meaning and intent. Verbal communication also entails listening to others and responding appropriately, demonstrating respect and understanding.


Non-verbal communication conveys messages and meaning through body language, facial expressions, gestures, and other non-spoken cues. Non-verbal communication is used with verbal communication to influence how messages are received and interpreted. Non-verbal cues demonstrate important contextual information such as emotions, attitudes, and intentions, which either enhance or contradict the spoken words.


Written communication involves the effective transmission of information, ideas, and messages through written words, and can come in various forms including email, letters, and text messages. Written communication requires careful attention to grammar and requires the author to adapt their writing style to suit their intended audience. There are many different ways messages can be misunderstood, regardless of the type of communication you are engaging in. For example, texts and emails lack what we receive from visual body language, facial expressions, and tone. The person reading it most likely will read it in their tone from their perspective.


Challenges couples face with communicating

  • Not putting God as the center of your marriage

  • Differences in communication styles

  • Not managing expectations of your spouse


Biblical Principles for better communication

  • Seek God’s guidance. God created the institution of marriage, and He honors it. God is the foundation in our marriage! Seeking His guidance through prayer, fasting, and studying His Word will lead you to the wisdom and understanding needed to navigate marriage and life.


† Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV) ~ 5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.


  • Embrace humility. Humility is modest or a low view of your own importance.

† Philippians 2:3-8 (ESV) ~ 3Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.


This scripture cautions us to value others over ourselves. Humility is key to effective communication in marriage. When we practice humility, we become self-less. Effective communication is self-less communication.


Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is imperative to achieve effective communication in your marriage. It involves letting go of past hurt and pain and making the choice to move forward in love and understanding.

† Matthew 6:14-15 (KJV) ~ 14For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.


Strategies to help encourage better communication

  • Pray together.

† 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (KJV) ~ Pray without ceasing.

  • Express your feelings positively. Utilize “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t help me with the laundry,” say, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do all the laundry by myself."

  • Address the current situation. Don’t bring up unresolved issues from unrelated conversations.


If you've been having a difficult time communicating or you're wanting to learn new strategies to be even better at it, we hope this blog will help motivate you and your spouse get the conversation started!


Praying for couples everywhere,

Kevin & Thais Miller

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